On understanding women...

Esquire Magazine has a fantastic feature called "10 Things You Don't Know About Women". It appears every month and is authored by a fantastically hot or recently intriguing (therefore at least "cute") female celebrity, the only reason men really bother reading it. Not so much the words as the suggestive pics next to them. It's also great bathroom reading. Bygones..

MSN.com is currently featuring some of these lists, so I took a moment to gaze them over and see what female celebrity I'm most in tune with. Certainly Sela Ward. Eh, maybe not. Courtney Cox then. Huh, she really IS that weird. Marrying David Arquette wasn't that odd after all. Julia Louis-Dreyfus certainly. Except three of hers are devoted to how to operate Tivo. Disappointing. Ok ok.. Parker Posey. Problem is she mentions a thoughtful gift for a woman is a self-help book. Yah, I broke up with a guy who did that. Ok, he broke up with me. Details. Whose list reigned surpreme in my mind? Alyssa Milano's! WHO KNEW! And I was not surprised by love for Mariska Hargitay's list. Anyway, I've taken the liberty of compiling my version of "the best of". After all, I know a few guys reading this blog, not to mention a few women in need of some laughs. Consider this a public service.

Alyssa Milano (Samantha Micelli forever!)
1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy. (Mine's is named Stephanie, FYI. And then Fat Bastard.)
2. Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even. (Mmmm.. Nobu)
4. Women remember everything . Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?") (The only addition I would make to Milano's comments is: If we say we don't remember something, we're lying because we know you'll be freaked out if we admit to it. )
9. Women hear better than men. That's before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I'm sure I've lost you by now. (I'm convinced at times I'm a superhero because of this feature. I can often listen to two or three different conversations going on at once, while still being engaged in my own.)
10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome. (Just a cool fact.)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus (long live Elaine!)

5. No, that is not our clitoris, but please -- keep trying. (Please)

6. If you're funny, we will sleep with you. (Just don't be funny while in the act)

Annabeth Gish (of the best movie ever - Beautiful Girls)
1. If you tell us that playing Halo 2 improves the dexterity of your fingers, you'd better be able to prove it. (Just sayin..)
5. Chivalry does not emasculate you or make you our bitch. (And don't ever think we'll be offended by it. I think the more accomplished a woman is the more they crave this type of behavior.)
10. Laughter and listening: These are the two bridges between your planet and ours. Do both with us often and we'll love you like crazy. (For real)

Dana Delaney ("Reflections of.. the way lift used to be..")
3. If you just listen and let her cry, it will lead to deep, wet, soulful sex. If you like that kind of thing. (Please tell me you like that kind of thing.)
6. There are two spots on women that need to be touched more: the back of the neck and the lower back. Fireworks. (Amen.)
8. You know that thing about men being hunters? We don't buy that as an excuse to screw around. (If we did I'd go insist on gathering some more hunters.)

Christina Applegate (Go Bundys!)
1. When we say that we know something is going on, you'd better fess up. We've got a nose for the truth. (We've also got a nose for knowing every detail of the truth before we confront you about it. A good tip.)
9. If we come to you with a problem, don't get all Dr. Phil on our asses. We'll figure out the answer on our own. In fact, we already know the answer; we just like hearing our- selves talk. (I hate Dr. Phil and I do think I have some fascinatingly interesting things to say.)

Courtney Cox (I hate Dirt but I still love you)
3. Breasts are not a speed bump to the promised land. (I've been laughing about this for the last 20 minutes)
4. Yes, we want you to be more verbal. No, burping doesn't count. (Does it hurt that bad?)
5. Kissing is something that you need to stay engaged in, even if all the blood is rushing out of your head and into other parts of your body. (To us, kissing is sexy talking. YAY.)
10. You don't get a vote in the preferred shape of our pubic hair. Until you've had hot wax poured all over your crotch, you're merely a passenger on that flight. (Basically.)

Mariska Hargitay (classiest chick in the business)

4. Let us catch you looking at us. (It's the most flattering thing that can come out of the everyday)

9. We love your creativity. We love your imagination. We want you to make us things—a collage, a book, a photo album. Or write a poem, or a letter, or a sentence. Be brave. (It means more than the little blue box. As the recipient of a couple of little blue boxes in addition to the more creative but less expensive, I'll take the creativity any day.)

10. All we want is to be cherished and to know that you have our backs. (Is worshiped too much? Ok, then, cherished.)

Not published in Esquire, but also exceptional tips, from my roommate Jen:

1. If you're talking to a redhead in a bar, please don't mention her hair. She knows she has red hair. She knows it's beautiful. She thinks you focusing on it means you have a fetish and that makes you sketchy. Please stop touching it.

2. Yes, asking what a girl does for a living is a fair question. But don't press. They don't want to give you the details because that makes her trackable and you might be scary and creepy. It's not because they don't think you're worthy of knowing who they work for (especially if they work in Congress.)