I turned 31 this year. That means for 30 years I've been a good kid. No, I didn't suddenly change after year one on this Earth, or take a mid-teens hiatus from goodness. I've always been good. The kid you can count on. The one who likes her teachers. The one who won't get in trouble.
In the last year, however, I have become the kid you have to worry about. The one you can't necessarily count on to give you all of the information. The one who won't go out of her way for you. Someone you may need to keep an eye on.
Have I changed? No.
One of the most enjoyable and difficult things about creeping further into adulthood is the self-awareness you unlock. The last year of my professional life has been no exception. As challenging as I find my reporting line to be, it's been eye opening to see how much I've contributed to the trouble.
Again, I'm the good kid. Better than that. I'm the great kid. My dad is one of my best friends. Teachers loved me; in fact, one told me he hoped his daughters turned out like me. I'm the intern whose boss later became her maid of honor. Me and authority figures? We've tended to walk hand in hand. Until now.
And who knew it would inspire such bad behavior.
I find myself "in trouble" more often than not. Part of climbing the professional ladder is realizing that praise becomes harder and harder to come by. If you're hearing from the boss, it's because you're in trouble. And, man, I've been in a lot of trouble in the last year.
It's hard to have the fundamental differences I do with my boss. But, instead of trying to bridge the gap, or win him over, I've opted for stubborn, difficult and non-communicative. As someone for whom praise is deeply important, you'd think I'd aim for approval.
But, the trouble is, I've been the good kid, the great intern, the awesome employee, for 30 years now. Seems to me I've got all the evidence I need. And I just can't muster the energy to convince anyone differently.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
For the love of irony...
In theory, I'm a fan of the graphic tee. In reality, I think the whole trend has gotten out of hand and while next season will continue to promote patterns, the whole saying and caption genre has simply worn itself out and will come to an end.
It was not my intention to offer any sort of fashion prophecy with this blog and I believe that's the first time I've ever done so. Weird.
Right, so graphic tees. I've admired them from afar but never bit the bullet and bought one. Until recently. I saw it, laughed out loud, tried on a size too small because my size wasn't available, and decided owning it as a too tight sleep shirt was worth $10. It's a plain white fitted women's tee with bold black text that reads:
i am > you
Why do I love it? Irony. How is it ironic?
1) Little miss low self esteem is wearing it
2) I'm wearing something with a math symbol on it. A shiver just ran down my high school trigonometry teacher's spine. I have no business.
I heart it.
It was not my intention to offer any sort of fashion prophecy with this blog and I believe that's the first time I've ever done so. Weird.
Right, so graphic tees. I've admired them from afar but never bit the bullet and bought one. Until recently. I saw it, laughed out loud, tried on a size too small because my size wasn't available, and decided owning it as a too tight sleep shirt was worth $10. It's a plain white fitted women's tee with bold black text that reads:
i am > you
Why do I love it? Irony. How is it ironic?
1) Little miss low self esteem is wearing it
2) I'm wearing something with a math symbol on it. A shiver just ran down my high school trigonometry teacher's spine. I have no business.
I heart it.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Video killed the font-loving star...
Lately I've noticed I have a hard time concentrating on reading. In this era of self-diagnosis, I swear I'm ADD. I just don't have the attention span to get through much anymore, even a magazine article. I find it pretty depressing.
Still, one phenomenon that drives me crazy is how video has replaced print on the web. I will actually avoid clicking on an interesting headline online if I see it brings me to a video link. I'd rather read.. well.. skim the content. I find the idea of having to sit through a video about it incredibly annoying. It feels like too much of a commitment, if that's possible. Not to mention the fact that it usually means I have to sit through an advertisement first.
Today I finally wanted to teach myself on to put a watermark on a Word document. I'm sure some of you think it's absurd that I don't know how to do this, but I've just managed to avoid it up to this point. But there were a couple of documents I was working on today that were simply better served with the shadowy "DRAFT" embedded in the background; one a letter written under my boss' signature and another a proposed job description.
Since I'm still learning Office 2007, I had to rely on the "Help" feature to figure out how to do it. As I awaited the appearance of the text box providing the appropriate instruction, guess what appeared instead...
A video demo.
Are you serious? I now need a video to go to Page Layout - Insert - Watermark (totally wrong sequence, by the way, proving the video taught me nothing)? And I need a narrative scenario as to why the gentleman in the video needed to go through the exercise ("Bob sure didn't want this document to be distributed as a final copy.")? Absurd.
I know I'm going to lose this battle, and my attention span is already ahead of the game, but I nevertheless begin to mourn the slow disappearance of the written word.
Still, one phenomenon that drives me crazy is how video has replaced print on the web. I will actually avoid clicking on an interesting headline online if I see it brings me to a video link. I'd rather read.. well.. skim the content. I find the idea of having to sit through a video about it incredibly annoying. It feels like too much of a commitment, if that's possible. Not to mention the fact that it usually means I have to sit through an advertisement first.
Today I finally wanted to teach myself on to put a watermark on a Word document. I'm sure some of you think it's absurd that I don't know how to do this, but I've just managed to avoid it up to this point. But there were a couple of documents I was working on today that were simply better served with the shadowy "DRAFT" embedded in the background; one a letter written under my boss' signature and another a proposed job description.
Since I'm still learning Office 2007, I had to rely on the "Help" feature to figure out how to do it. As I awaited the appearance of the text box providing the appropriate instruction, guess what appeared instead...
A video demo.
Are you serious? I now need a video to go to Page Layout - Insert - Watermark (totally wrong sequence, by the way, proving the video taught me nothing)? And I need a narrative scenario as to why the gentleman in the video needed to go through the exercise ("Bob sure didn't want this document to be distributed as a final copy.")? Absurd.
I know I'm going to lose this battle, and my attention span is already ahead of the game, but I nevertheless begin to mourn the slow disappearance of the written word.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
On punishment..
I broke Lent yesterday. I managed to find myself on exactly the route I did not want to take for my trip from Raleigh to Northern Virginia. In an attempt to fix my mistake, I made further mistakes, and ultimately added at least another 30 minutes to my trip. Once I got where I needed to be (essentially, back on the route I didn't want to take), my hunger and frustration took over, and I added fries to my chicken sandwich order at Wendy's.
The kicker was when I got up to the drive thru, the woman passed me the food and said, "Have a blessed day."
Sigh.
The kicker was when I got up to the drive thru, the woman passed me the food and said, "Have a blessed day."
Sigh.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
On a sad thing..
I work in a college admissions office. Today a young woman came in with her mother for an information session. She was recently admitted and intends to enroll for the fall.
The young woman is very bright. If I'm being honest, brighter than a lot of the students we work with. I didn't think anything of her visit, rather, enjoyed hearing the laughter, at least that's what I thought it was, that was coming from the meeting room where they were gathered with a member of my staff. I was glad she was enjoying herself.
The staff member who conducted the session called me into her office after they left. "Can you smell that?"
"Yeah," I replied, "What IS that?"
"Alcohol. Her mother was drunk."
Eight years in the business and this is a first.
My colleague couldn't say enough about the young woman, but she chattered nervously throughout their meeting so her mother couldn't say anything. Her mother yelled and wept throughout the session, even becoming drowsy at one point. As they walked out of my colleague's office, the mother started grabbing some of our college memorabilia; a mug, a blanket, a lunch tote, out of her office before she walked out the door. The daughter apologized and tried to get it back; my colleague said, "It's no problem.. well, except for the blanket."
I'll confess we laughed a little bit about the mother's "shopping spree".
I feel desperately sad, appalled really, and aching for this young woman to get on campus so she can feel what it's like to be normal, and learn who she is, outside of a caretaker for her mother. To be in a place where she only needs to worry about herself.
As someone whose Irish-Catholic family has worked hard at times to keep the alcoholic stereotype alive, you'd think I couldn't be shocked anymore. But I haven't stopped thinking of it ever since, and all I've done is pray to the great whatever that the student was the one who took the car keys on the way home.
I get that alcoholism is an illness; I get that hitting rock bottom is usually the only way out. But I'm enraged by the selfishness of the sick nevertheless. I hope today was her rock bottom.
The young woman is very bright. If I'm being honest, brighter than a lot of the students we work with. I didn't think anything of her visit, rather, enjoyed hearing the laughter, at least that's what I thought it was, that was coming from the meeting room where they were gathered with a member of my staff. I was glad she was enjoying herself.
The staff member who conducted the session called me into her office after they left. "Can you smell that?"
"Yeah," I replied, "What IS that?"
"Alcohol. Her mother was drunk."
Eight years in the business and this is a first.
My colleague couldn't say enough about the young woman, but she chattered nervously throughout their meeting so her mother couldn't say anything. Her mother yelled and wept throughout the session, even becoming drowsy at one point. As they walked out of my colleague's office, the mother started grabbing some of our college memorabilia; a mug, a blanket, a lunch tote, out of her office before she walked out the door. The daughter apologized and tried to get it back; my colleague said, "It's no problem.. well, except for the blanket."
I'll confess we laughed a little bit about the mother's "shopping spree".
I feel desperately sad, appalled really, and aching for this young woman to get on campus so she can feel what it's like to be normal, and learn who she is, outside of a caretaker for her mother. To be in a place where she only needs to worry about herself.
As someone whose Irish-Catholic family has worked hard at times to keep the alcoholic stereotype alive, you'd think I couldn't be shocked anymore. But I haven't stopped thinking of it ever since, and all I've done is pray to the great whatever that the student was the one who took the car keys on the way home.
I get that alcoholism is an illness; I get that hitting rock bottom is usually the only way out. But I'm enraged by the selfishness of the sick nevertheless. I hope today was her rock bottom.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
On the unexplained...
I don't know why it snowed today... why it snowed in North Carolina. Why it snowed and extended our Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday weekend by one day. Why it snowed and allowed me the rest I needed after a sleep deprived night with a sore throat and stuffy nose. Why it snowed and welcomed me to see the history I'm still wrapping my head around.
I write because this will soon be all too commonplace, and what a wonderful reality that will be. But even today I watched Barack Obama take the oath of office and become President of the United States, and I was not greeted with the same emotion I encountered Election Night. No tears like that November Day. No shaky hands. Instead, today, I simply basked in the warmth of the confidence of four years with a leader I can believe in. It's as if I'm already all too used to the first African American President. Like it's suddenly no longer a big deal.
So I write to remember this day. I write in case I need to pass it onto others down the line. I write because, although I am no longer in awe, necessarily, of this moment in history, I mark that the legacy is already building on this, his first day on the job.
I watched a silly program tonight; televised coverage of the Neighborhood Ball. Yet another opportunity for Hollywood to sing Obama's praises, but also a moment to watch Barack and Michelle dance to "At Last", sung live by Beyonce, and be in awe of the youth, of the strength, of the bond of these two people.
There's something in the air. Good times are ahead.
I don't know why it snowed in Carolina today. I'm just glad it did.
I write because this will soon be all too commonplace, and what a wonderful reality that will be. But even today I watched Barack Obama take the oath of office and become President of the United States, and I was not greeted with the same emotion I encountered Election Night. No tears like that November Day. No shaky hands. Instead, today, I simply basked in the warmth of the confidence of four years with a leader I can believe in. It's as if I'm already all too used to the first African American President. Like it's suddenly no longer a big deal.
So I write to remember this day. I write in case I need to pass it onto others down the line. I write because, although I am no longer in awe, necessarily, of this moment in history, I mark that the legacy is already building on this, his first day on the job.
I watched a silly program tonight; televised coverage of the Neighborhood Ball. Yet another opportunity for Hollywood to sing Obama's praises, but also a moment to watch Barack and Michelle dance to "At Last", sung live by Beyonce, and be in awe of the youth, of the strength, of the bond of these two people.
There's something in the air. Good times are ahead.
I don't know why it snowed in Carolina today. I'm just glad it did.
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