On being good...

I turned 31 this year. That means for 30 years I've been a good kid. No, I didn't suddenly change after year one on this Earth, or take a mid-teens hiatus from goodness. I've always been good. The kid you can count on. The one who likes her teachers. The one who won't get in trouble.

In the last year, however, I have become the kid you have to worry about. The one you can't necessarily count on to give you all of the information. The one who won't go out of her way for you. Someone you may need to keep an eye on.

Have I changed? No.

One of the most enjoyable and difficult things about creeping further into adulthood is the self-awareness you unlock. The last year of my professional life has been no exception. As challenging as I find my reporting line to be, it's been eye opening to see how much I've contributed to the trouble.

Again, I'm the good kid. Better than that. I'm the great kid. My dad is one of my best friends. Teachers loved me; in fact, one told me he hoped his daughters turned out like me. I'm the intern whose boss later became her maid of honor. Me and authority figures? We've tended to walk hand in hand. Until now.

And who knew it would inspire such bad behavior.

I find myself "in trouble" more often than not. Part of climbing the professional ladder is realizing that praise becomes harder and harder to come by. If you're hearing from the boss, it's because you're in trouble. And, man, I've been in a lot of trouble in the last year.

It's hard to have the fundamental differences I do with my boss. But, instead of trying to bridge the gap, or win him over, I've opted for stubborn, difficult and non-communicative. As someone for whom praise is deeply important, you'd think I'd aim for approval.

But, the trouble is, I've been the good kid, the great intern, the awesome employee, for 30 years now. Seems to me I've got all the evidence I need. And I just can't muster the energy to convince anyone differently.