On not knowing what to think...

I'm 29 today. This is the first birthday I've awoken and not had even the slightest sense of "yay!". And it's not for the lack of effort of others. Already I've been greeted by all sorts of e-mails and notes on MySpace and Facebook, from friends old and new and even some co-workers. I've got a great day planned with my fabulous boyfriend and and he's been lovely with his reminders of "birthday!", just as I did for him a few days ago. Of course, he was turning 26. I'm also meeting up with more friends later tonight. It truly will be a great day.

But it's also the last year of my 20s and, well, I can't quite forget it. I went to dinner with a friend last night who'll turn 38 this year (she looks younger than me, FYI) and I wasn't shocked when she wasn't mustering up a ton of sympathy. Still, I pleaded, "don't you remember how rough this one felt at the time?"

The thing is, I honestly believe my best years are ahead of me. That has been the pattern so far, anyway, and while it's taken me longer than others, I'm really starting to completely love myself and dig what I'm able to accomplish and the few but truly quality friends I have in my life. STILL. I feel like I'm losing "value". And that's what's BS. It's different for women. My generation was reared to be everything to everyone. Smart AND beautiful, stylish AND accomplished, serious AND fun-loving, professional AND wife/mother... so on and so forth. And let's be clear on one thing, 30 isn't old, but I haven't done 30 yet, and it scares the shit out of me, even though two of my dearest friends are early to mid-30s and are more beautiful than they've ever been and more accomplished and fabulous. I don't know why I feel potentially exempt from that.

Plus, with 30 carries so many expectations... marriage, children, family, and the general "having your shit together" thing. And who knows if I'll get to any of that. I'm not convinced. That's OK, it really is, but I'm anticipating it to feel heavy just the same. Perhaps the problem is I've always acted older than my age... the curse of the only child who spent more time with her parents and adults than anyone else. I think I'm worried that I missed out on something though, in all honesty, I have no interest in making this next year a mulligan for time lost.

Oh well. I'm off to have a truly great day. And a truly great year. I just needed to get this off of my chest. And, I know when I re-read this blog again twenty years from now, I'll laugh out loud at it's foolishness. Hooray for that.