Lonely at the top...

It's lonely at the top, they say. And if I hear this phrase again in the next few weeks I may be inclined to pull the skin off of my face.

It's been an odd couple of years for me professionally. I left a place where I was relatively happy due to a lack of happiness in other aspects of my life, and have experienced a couple of different organizations and job titles since. One of these adventures taught me I missed my field, so I went back to the field, just with a different institution. The other taught me I missed the circumstances surrounding my original institution. Those, however, I can't quite recapture.
Oy.

I've been very lucky professionally. Job searching has come relatively easy, I've had success in getting interviews, things like that. I've also managed to work my way up the professional totem pole in a quick manner... perhaps too quick.

Which leads me to my point. I've been propelled professionally in the past two weeks. I'm about to take over, in a temporary manner, a very important position in my office. A couple of people have put a tremendous amount of faith in me in recommending me for it. The original problem was I wasn't sure if I could do the job. Don't get me wrong, that problem hasn't gone away. The problem currently embracing that original problem is that it's clear that, beyond the two that recommended me, others aren't exactly, well, thrilled by the prospect.

Who knows. Maybe it's the atmosphere of flux that currently surrounds our place of work at both the macro and micro levels. Maybe it's messaging in general. Maybe they're just a bunch of people who'd rather complain than be positive. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things.

Or maybe it's just me. Yah, see, I really can't shake that it's me. Someone told me on Thursday that one of these days I'd have to realize that I'm incredibly competent. I know that's true.

I've sought advice from a number of people about this over the past week. "It's lonely at the top" I keep hearing. Thing is, it was already lonely. That's what happens when you enter into management at a new place rather than work your way up through the ranks in one place. Now, it appears, it's about to get lonelier.

I tried to do the friends thing where I am currently. I tried very hard in fact. But it just didn't work. It's hard to balance friendship and professionalism when you're responsible for that person's performance evaluation and salary increase, or lack thereof. As such, I have no real friends at work. This, of course, is completely foreign to me. The vast majority of my better friends I have worked with at some point in time. In fact, really, all but two... my guy and my roommate. The Megs, Katy, Ashley, Tom, Nicole, Rachel, to name a few... they're all from work.

So it's a lonely existence and I'm constantly feeling like the bad guy. I'm no good at feeling like the bad guy. As self-critical as I can be, I know I can also be fun to work with, that people can count on me, that I make a winning joke from time to time. Everytime I've left a job I hear at least once "I'll really miss hearing your laugh". I don't laugh much where I am now. To quote Shakespeare, "That bloweth". Ok, he didn't really say that. But to accurately quote Keira Knightly in Love Actually, "I'm nice. I really am. Apart from my terrible taste in pie..." So, as I sit here on Sunday afternoon, I dread tomorrow. Like, woke up this morning and thought "Aw crap."

I'm going to get through it. We're going to get through it. And I'll emerge stronger and with a much thicker skin, as we all know I could benefit from that. Still, it's a bit of a buzzkill for the time being. I do, however, have every intention of learning as much as possible from this opportunity and milking it until I turn it into cheese. (Robbie Williams.. only one person who reads this blog knows I stole that from him)

So, thanks to those of you who have already counseled me through this, and thanks in advance for continuing to do so. I'll apologize now if the next few months have me a little less available for fun.. there's just no telling what's around the corner. Perhaps another search for better circumstances.. and fewer dementors.